Before you read my 'stalker dad' case, you have to understand that I have boundaries and am used to the Christian community where people respect my boundaries. I love getting hugs, holding hands, people playing with my hair or rubbing my back, I'm a physical contact kind of girl. But I have boundaries, put in place to make sure that I (or others) never get inappropriate with my affection. I think it's healthy. My body is not my own, it belongs to my husband. And because the majority of my friends are Christians, I've never really had any problem, never felt like people/men were crossing a line with their affection for me. They respect my marriage and my boundaries and I respect theirs.
With knowing that, I launch into my story...
K started school in September, and if you follow me on Twitter or are friends with me on Facebook, then you know that the first week or so was not pleasant and that saying goodbye to K and leaving her at school made me and Lee feel like the absolute WORST parents in the world! While struggling through the first week of school with K, I met 'stalker dad'. He was dropping his daughter off at school and started talking to me when I brought K up the stairs to her school gate. This didn't freak me out because even though we've all been taught 'NEVER TALK TO STRANGERS' the exception (for parents) is at their children's school gate. Everybody talks to everybody.
'Stalker dad' asked me if it was K's first year and I replied it was, saying that she was struggling a bit but getting better by the day at coming to school. He told me about his little girl and how she was doing with school and how he was proud of her. I told him I was definitely proud of K but that it made me a bit sad to see her growing up so fast to which he proceeded to rub my back!
I turned to stone.
He kept rubbing! I squirmed out of reach, pretending to say goodbye to K one last time before retreating down the stairs and to the safety of Lee's side.
It freaked me out that I JUST met this man and he was rubbing my back BUT he has an accent and is from another country so I thought maybe this was just a cultural difference, after all I've come up against a few myself.
So even though after the back rubbing incident I saw him looking at me each time Lee and I dropped off K at school, I tried to shake it off, afraid that I was being judgemental.
Then, one morning I went to the gym and who should happen to be there, walking down the street, towards me? 'Stalker dad'!!! Waving and smiling! Luckily, my gym was between us, so I waved and then ducked into my gym as quickly as possible.
He hadn't come and talked to me since our initial intro but I still kept seeing him stare at me.
K had a party last Saturday that I took her to. At this point I had decided that if 'stalker dad' talked to me, I was going to be nice, not a total freak, and talk to him like a normal human being. I really felt like even with all of the staring, I had misjudged him and I hate that!
He was at the party, working the barbecue. But other than the polite 'Hi, how are you?', he didn't talk to me. Again I felt him staring at me but since he didn't come and say anything, I decided it was just me being paranoid and got over it.
Monday, I went to the gym again. I had a good workout and came back out to my car and saw a red car parking in front of mine. As I reached my car, the owner of the red car was getting out of his and I'm sure you already know who the driver was. S.D. ('stalker dad') There was no avoiding it. I HAD to talk to him. He started the conversation and at first it was polite chit-chat about nothing really. Found out he used to live in the U.S. and moved over here because his wife (his WIFE!!! seriously.) was from Wales. Blah, blah, blah . . . then he told me that he had been meaning to talk to me every time he saw me but that he didn't want to talk to me while Lee was around because he didn't want Lee to think he was coming on too strong and get the wrong idea . . .at this point I'm thinking 'Um, weird, but maybe he meant to say something else and it came out wrong' . . .he kept talking to me. The conversation lasted for 20 mins at least, and I also found out that he goes to my gym and that if we ever go to a kids party again, he's going to stay with me the whole time, making sure I'm social and enjoying myself (uhhh...???) :O/
Trying to ignore the overwhelming urge to bolt, I continued the conversation, mentioning Lee as often as possible. Then he started telling me that he had been watching me. He had been watching me at the kids' party on Saturday and was struck by how beautiful I am. (Sarah, run.) He told me that he had seen me dropping my daughter off at school and always thought I was beautiful. (Sarah, what are you doing, get into the car!) He told me that while watching me at the kids party that he was at WITH HIS WIFE, he found himself drawn to how stunning I am. (RUN, RUN, RUN!)
I stood there in completely shock! All I could do was mumble 'thank you' which seemed to only encourage him to continue saying these things! He told me that he hopes I didn't mind but that he'd be telling me how beautiful I am from now on, but not in front of my husband, he'll only come talk to me when I'm on my own.
I finally managed to squeak out that I needed to go, so he put out his hand and I took it to shake. But he pulled me in and gave me a kiss on my cheek that was shockingly close to my lips! I got in my car and drove home, trembling the whole way!
I'm kind of scared. Scared to go back to my gym, scared to drop K off at school alone...I'm thinking about switching gyms but is that silly?
Am I being paranoid? Unreasonable? Am I judging this man unfairly? Help me out! Give me some perspective on this situation, please!
4 comments:
Oh my goodness Sarah, that is quite the uncomfortable situation! I would say that you are not being unreasonable...you feel uneasy (as I believe you should!) and that is the important part.
It's so hard to make other people feel uncomfortable but I'd be sure and tell him if he says anything else to you that you feel uncomfortable and would rather him keep his thoughts to himself.... and then if he doesn't stop it's a whole other issue...but if you don't ask him to stop then he might not...
And I'd change gyms ;)
Good luck Sarah!!<3
You are NOT being unreasonable or judging too harshly. What he is saying/doing is WAY out of line. If you can, the next time you see him (and you will, he'll make sure of it) you need to tell him that he is being inappropriate, that you are not interested in him or in his compliments and that if he doesn't stop talking to you, you will go to the authorities. If you don't feel up to saying all that to him, bring Lee with you and have Lee say it to him.
Seriously - he could be a very dangerous individual and you do not want to take any chances.
If you know his name, you might want to make a formal complaint to the police - it is entirely likely that he has behaved this way in the past and that they have had complaints about him before.
You should NOT have to be afraid to go to your own gym. Whenever possible, go directly into the gym and make sure that there are a lot of people around when you are there ...
Sorry to be so brutal about this but we as good, christian (Canadian!) women feel terrible if we aren't polite and he is preying on your sense of wanting to be polite and respectful. He is NOT treating you politely or with respect so you should NOT feel badly about being forthright with him.
I confrontation and feeling like I'm being rude . . .but I think this situation is the kind where being polite and ignoring it won't make it go away . . .
I've asked Lee to be with me at all times! (he normally is anyway) and if/when I run into him again by myself, I'll be telling him to back off.
Having a few days to think about it and the comments I've gotten from telling the story have made me feel stringer about my decision.
So pray I keep my backbone and I'm sure I'll be updating you about it later on.
Thanks for your perspective guys, it seriously helps!
whoa. sarah that is freaky! keep us updated! we love you!
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